i feel so ugly on the inside and out. 

i feel like my face body and everything is just so UGLY. 

i feel like my brain personality and everything is just so UGGGGGGLLLLLY. 

I AM SO UGLY. 

i didn’t realize until recently how many people i lost in my life and how many i lost because i personally pushed them away. I always take people for granted which fuck my relationships up all the time. i’m just in desperate need of a little bit of you atm and i have none because i pushed you so far that we never even talk… I hate me. 

OMFG I FUCKING HATE PIMPLES LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. AND I HATE MY FAMILY SOMETIMES SERIOuSLY THEY ARE SO INCONSIDERATE OF ME AND DONT KNOW HOW TO FUCKING TREAT ME NICELY THEY ARE JUST FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD. AND WHAT THE FUCK I BETTER NOT HAVE THAT MOTHER FUCKING PIGMENTATION PROBLEM OR ELSE ILL FUCKING KILL MYSELF. LITERALLY. I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I AM SO ANGRY AT EVERYONE. FUCK THE WORLD. YOU GUYS CAN ALL FUCKING DIE IN A HOLE AND I WONT FUCKING CARE. GAHD. FUCKKKKKKK YOUUUUUU ALLLLLLLL MOTHER FUCKERS. 

i fucking hate everyone in this fucking world. every fucking thing just pisses the fuck out of me. FUCK MY LIFE AND ALL THOSE WHO ARE IN IT. 

FUCK 

whether it’s a joke, or serious, it hurts a lot. i seriously feel so bad for all of those times i might of said something mean as a joke or was just being a plain brat. i’m so sorry to all those who i’ve hurt before because after not being mentally hurt in a long time, today i got my consequence and even though it was small and bitty, it still hurt a lot… 

sooooo I made the team!!! but the thing is, i seriously suck -_- i know i can do MUCH MUCH MUCHHH better but the nerves ALWAYS get to me! and i know for a fact that i’m not going to APAC :( whatever, i guess i’ll try to work hard towards it. oh yeah, and another thing.. IM A DEFENSE?!?!?! WHAT THE HECK!? no no no.. i am a FORWARd a STRIKER an ATTACKER… and he puts me as DEFENSE?! what the hell is this madness. i SERIOUSLY hate defense. that’s the ONE position that i didn’t want to play.. SERIOUSLY ID RATHER BE THE MOTHER FREAKING GOALIE -_- i really really really am praying and hope that he changes me to at least midfielder.. i know he put me as defense cause i’m slow but STILL i am a shooter ! it’s just that whenever i’m in the offensive drills, i suck!! ughhh this is SOO annoying :’( God… PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let mr. myong put me into a different position (midfield or striker) i will try to prove myself in the next two practices or maybe after our first game, he can switch? i don’t know.. but GOD .. PLEASE ANSWER THIS PRAYER.. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE… :’( SIGHHHHHHH NOTHING IN MY LIFE SEEMS RIGHT BUT AT THE SAME TIME EVERYTHING SEEMS NORMAL… UGH LAKSJDAKLSDJASKLDJAIELAKSDJ 

OMFG I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL MONDAY BUT AT THE SAME TIME I DONT WANT MONDAy TO COME! ugh. i seriously think that i’m going to pee in my pants at tryouts or something -__- I just really hope God has got my back and I make the team. this is something i want so badly. I work hard at it and if i’m on the team i know i’l be even more dedicated. I just wish i knew who was on the team already. If i don’t make it.. it’s just embarrassing for me :/ and i’ll be so sad not being in a sports team and SOCCER IS MY FAVORITE SPORT! and so yea… sigh.. may the force be with me :( MR MYONG PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GO EASY ON US WITH THE RUNNING! and please select me to be on the 2012 Varsity girls soccer team :( …. anticipating for the worst. 

i feel like my life is wasting away. i want something spectacular and inspirational. i just need meaning… i know im REALLY YOUNG but that doesn’t mean i can’t feel empty or lonely… i just need some motivation for me to work harder for the “big picture”. when i look back on my life, i want to be more than just satisfied but proud of it. sighhhhhhh…. 

where am i going?

Next week are soccer tryouts! i am so nervous. soccer is the one sport that i truly LOVE to play. it makes me so happy.. if i don’t make the team then i will feel so empty inside. i know it’s stupid to feel “empty” or whatever but i know i will. it sucks because there are so many good people. everyone thinks they can comfort me and say “good luck” or “don’t worry” or “you’ll do fine” but no amount of those kinds of phrases will ever help me! i just want to fast forward to 2 weeks and see if i made it or not. I really am praying that i do. if i don’t then it’s just embarrassing and sad and .. ugh i don’t know. i’ll feel like a failure. more than i already do feel. it’s just something i’ve always wanted since i was young - to be on a sports team. i hope God helps me through and i make it. wish me luck… 

i have friends, i have parents, i have siblings, i have teachers, i have pets(hehe), yet it feels like i have no one. why do i shut people out so much? i will never understand myself. my goal in life is to uncomplicate myself and live my life, simply and happily. i just cry sometimes because i feel like NOBODY KNOWS. and it’s my fault because i don’t tell. but i guess there’s just a small part of me inside that wishes they knew without me having to tell them. i wish someone would come and rescue me from myself…